In honor of Tulipgirl’s mention, I thought I’d reprint a couple of posts I wrote about the Pearl’s on my Homeschool blog. This one deals with my experience with the Pearl’s and their parenting materials.
Originally written April 15, 2006
Otherwise known as: How I gave up “To Train Up A Child.”
I’m writing this in the hopes that some parents will know that they can put away these books, and some parents will think twice before picking them up in the first place.
In many ways I am still a new Christian. I came to faith in Christ (a true faith, based on more than just being raised as part of a religion) as an adult. And in many ways my walk with Him has been a crawl through the fog on rocky ground. It has been difficult to make the choice to follow Christ, and I have struggled to find ways of being Christian enough. I wanted people to look at me and know me as a woman of faith. In that desire I have sometimes strayed too far to the side of legalism.
My experiences with the Pearls started when Piper was a year old. I was pregnant again, with Bridget, and having a hard time with discipline. In every way that Reagan had been easy, Piper was hard. A strong word would cause Reagan to cease bad behavior while that same word would cause Piper to scream at me. She made me feel embarrassed. And I was at a loss as to how to work with her. She seemed much more secure in her ability to be a feisty toddler than I was my ability to parent her. I had ideas about boundaries and consequences but no idea how to implement them.
I needed a plan that would give me back a sense of control in my house. The Pearl’s were recommended by a mom whom I respected (and still do), and so I bought To Train Up a Child. I read it in a day or two. Then I read it again. The Pearls spoke with such authority, that I simply accepted that they were authoritative, and began implementing their methods. This is where my failure as a Christian, and as a mother, began.
I used a ruler or a wooden spoon for Reagan, and a pencil or the spoon handle for Piper (as I was unable to find the kind of switch they spoke of in their books, and read that this was an acceptable alternative). The Pearls taught that the switch was appropriate for training and discipline, so I used them for both. I implemented them completely, taking all that they taught to heart. Much to my surprise, it didn’t work.
I was stunned. How could God’s way not work for me? The Pearl’s book was peppered with scripture, surely their way must be correct! I decided that it must have been my fault. So I purchased the No Greater Joy books, read their website, and signed up for their newsletter. Some of my questions were answered. Some were not. I increased our switching, and worked at 100% consistency, which is what the Pearl’s said was needed to receive total obedience. But it still wasn’t working.
In response to my failure, I hardened myself. I defended the Pearl’s here on my blog, against the grace based disciplining moms. Grace based discipline sounded permissive at best to my Pearl trained ears. Such things couldn’t possibly work! The Pearl’s had assured me of it. I became frustrated and angry both at myself (whose fault it surely was) and at my kids, whose continued lack of total obedience only made my failure more obvious. I increased the switching, certain that must be where my problem was. Then fear set in. The harder I became, the more Piper rebelled. Our relationship had turned adversarial. I had to win. We weren’t a family team anymore. It was her against me. I was afraid that soon it would cross the line, and turn from a spanking to a beating. I was now in fear of hurting my precious child whom I loved more than anything. With that fear, I sunk deeper into feelings of guilt, doubt, and failure.
I had failed. I had failed as a mother and I had failed to be a Berean testing everything the Pearls said against scripture. After heavy prayer, I found myself humbled before the God who forgives, and who shows grace and mercy to his children. My heart was softened and I began listening to the Pearl objectors with new ears.
I read a lot, and I asked a lot of questions. I went to message boards and asked the grace based discipline parents what it looked like in their home. I spent a lot more time in prayer over it, and a lot more time in my Bible. I finally listened to the inner voice that I had silenced, that part of me that bristled with things that the Pearl’s had said, things that had seemed totally counter intuitive to me.
Then I put down the Pearl’s books, and put down the switches. I sat my children down and apologized for my parenting experiment gone wrong. I told them that we would not be spanking anymore.
I began something different. I set up house rules, with specific consequences. When someone was misbehaving I offered a warning. I would say what was being done wrong, and what would happen if it continued. That gave them a chance to choose to stop on their own. It also offered them the lessons of choices and consequences. Good consequences were made part of right behavior. I also began reading more about attachment parenting, something which seemed much more right to me.
With the increased connection to my children’s hearts and minds, I was able to see more of the motivation for negative behavior. With that knowledge I was able to work on both their heart and their actions. It has allowed us to grow close again, and begin to heal the damage that I did to our relationship. We are again part of the same team. An idea that the Pearl’s seemed to believe in, but didn’t come naturally out of their methods.
And I stopped worrying about how Christian I am. I am a Christian because I proclaim the Gospel of Christ. Not because I do things Michael and Debi Pearl’s way. And I have learned to question those who proclaim their way as God’s.
Michael and Debi Pearl have raised four productive members of society. That makes them experienced parents and not parenting experts, or biblical experts. What they share is their opinion, and their experiences, and should be given only that weight. Against it should be weighed the whole of scripture, and the example of parenting that God gives us in Himself.
I support the boycott of the Pearl’s materials, because this is not a private issue. Were these ideas things that the Pearl’s believed only personally, then I think it would be appropriate to bring it only to them. But they have made these materials public. They have shared them with many parents all over the country and the world. And I think it is important for those who would be purchasing them to know what concerns other believers have.
Most recently the Pearl’s have gone beyond their parenting advice into advising battered women, and wives whose husbands are sexually abusing their children. I believe their advice to be irresponsible and dangerous. People should know these concerns before they look to the Pearl’s for help.
I am grateful for the women who answered my questions, respectfully, disagreed with me here on my blog, and prayed for my family. You were God’s voice in my ear. And now, this imperfect mother is able to parent her imperfect children with discipline that is tempered by grace and mercy.
I pray that we as sisters and brothers in Christ would continue the dialog with a humble spirit, and led by God. It can only better us as parents, and help our children.
In many ways the moms raising children now with internet have such an advantage. You can find info and critiques so quick and readily get another perspective.
We read Pearl’s and I was appalled, my dh thought differently. He was raised in an authoritarian home and church and was a M.Div in an ultra authoritarian school. We also received terrible childrearing instruction from our church. We were to spank until their crying changed. I ended up bruising one of the children badly and was utterly sick over it. I was disgusted from day one and it was a horrid battle. Being in that church was the absolute worst thing ever for our children. The pastors came to our house to discuss one of our very strong willed children and we were told to “close the windows and spank him until he complies.” It was a HUGE failure. Our church also went through some teaching series by Pastor Albert N. Martin, on childrearing. It too was nothing but authoritarian, overbearing rubbish. Horrid stuff. My heart was bleeding and my kids were suffering.
If I could ONLY go back and change all those early days, things would be so much different. I talk with them about it today and they understand what happened. I finally stopped the spanking crap and started employing the grace solution when the oldest was about ten. The youngest blossomed sooner and was sweetest of them all, maybe because that was his personality, maybe because I finally clued into the damage that was occurring and refused to go along anymore.
Yes, I defied my dh. And I could sleep at night.
Someone wrote that they purchase Pearl material so they can go out and burn it. Good idea.
Amen, amen, and amen.
Here’s my contribution to the mix:
http://adventuresinmercy.wordpress.com/2008/01/07/parenting-with-gentleness-series/
Former Pearlite, Now Fully Repented
Anne2 – my heart breaks for you and your children (and your husband). Our son is very strong-willed but also has additional issues caused by the fact that his birth mother participated in recreational drug use while he was in utero. He has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, sensory integration disorder, fetal alcohol effects, oppositional defiant disorder, and “a grab bag of other emotional and psychological disorders and disturbances.”
The church we attended when he was kingergarten aged said the things you have mentioned here. We were even advised to act like we had completely lost our minds while applying corporal punishment with a belt in order to scare him into future compliance.
We did not completely remove spankings from the potential disciplinary measures, but we changed the way we did them and each spanking involved one application of the “spanker” (a bread board). We also absolutely refused to spank him if either of us were angry. After each spanking we gave him the opportunity to explain to us what he had done wrong and why he shouldn’t do it again.
But even those more controlled and more gentle spankings were few and far between because we resorted to them only when it seemed absolutely necessary that we turn to a different form of discipline.
All of the experts (even internationally) have told us that we should lock him away in a locked-down facility. When we question them, they always say that this is “for us” not for him. They admit that he is not a danger to anyone. He’s just incredibly hard to supervise and direct. So their recommendation is that we lock him away so we don’t have to deal with him.
So I don’t like the secular world’s advice any better than the religious world’s advice. Although – on the positive side, we have been told by multiple experts in the field of behavioral issues that his issues are so severe that they can’t imagine that he has been able to exist outside of a locked facility this long (they began saying this when he was about 9 years old – he’s now 13). They have told us that the only reason that he’s doing well in the outside world is because of our parenting. Not patting myself or my wife on the back here – just noting that if you truly love your children and look out for their best interests, there is a better chance of success than there would be following the prescriptive plans of anybody – secular or religious.
My best friend had problems with spanking her youngest daughter who she admitted to me being concerned about “killing her” because of the spankings as punishment. I was SICK, and went to procure a copy of Cynthia Tobais’ book “You Can’t Make Me, But I Can Be Persuaded.”
Hallelujah! The techniques in the book worked with her daughter! Just since Karen Campbell and Spunky reviewed Debi Pearl’s book on a “thatmom” podcast, this friend admitted to me that she gained much information from the Pearls’ books, and I suddenly understood the issues with spanking. (They are also steeped in the Gothard teachings as well, still going to Gothard’s anger workshops when they offer them in her area.)
BTW, here are links to Karen’s podcasts with Spunky, reviewing Debi Pearl’s “Created to Be His Helpmeet” book:
http://thatmom.wordpress.com/2007/10/05/october-5-podcast/
and
http://thatmom.wordpress.com/2007/10/12/october-12-podcast/
Spunky also did a review of the book on her blog.
I could’ve written your post, except the people we got our Pearl/Babywise info from weren’t our church, but my husband’s dad and stepmom! We threw out Babywise, but somehow the folksy “wisdom” of the Pearls stayed on our shelves (and in our minds) longer.
I have now tossed those, too, but am stressed out about my husband’s MIL coming in 3 weeks to help me make the long drive to see my husband graduate. She has even asked me over the phone if I make my spankings hard enough to hurt.
Things like this is what my younger daughter used to refer to as … and I quote … “The beautiful side of evil.”
I dunno WHERE she got that phrase, but she has said it since she has been about 3 years old. This is the kid that is dynamic at character analysis. (Frankly, I think she would be an asset to the FBI or CIA, but she wants to be a physical therapist … go figure).
In any event, I am shocked, saddened, and appalled that these types of books are even being sold and given to Christians!
It is dreadful!
Richard-
“We were even advised to act like we had completely lost our minds while applying corporal punishment with a belt in order to scare him into future compliance.”
Both of my parents, now deceased, were alcoholics.
I vividly remember the “change” that would come over my mother when her sweet personality would turn mean.
I can still see the maniacal look in her eye as she beat me for God knows what.
When I was born again in 1989 I remember thinking how nice it would have been to be rasied in a “Christian” home.
Who knew?
It never occured to me that children in “Christian” homes are being beaten with PVC pipe by their parents.
Sounds like you guys are doing a great job raising your son.
God bless you.
Thank you Hutch. One step at a time, but we’re certainly trying to do the best by him and comply with scripture. This is the toughest (and most rewarding) job either of us has ever had.
By the way, our son is a delight – tough to raise, but a delight nevertheless.
Richard, my oldest son has Asperger’s and our two year old is on the Autism Spectrum as well (though we’re still waiting for our official diagnosis). I get how difficult it can be to parent children with special needs. And I know the Pearl’s would have no sensitivity towards the circumstances we face. They have one answer. Beat them for God.
Isn’t that just sad?
Richard,
Most of the dx’s your son suffers with would be pooh poohed in both of our former churches. They would just out of hand say “it’s sin, repent”, meaning either us or the child. One pastor told me schizophrenia didn’t exist because there was no test for it. I replied, “in that case no disease or disorder existed until some scientist created a test to prove it.” He wasn’t too happy about my answer.
It is wonderful that you have done so well with your son. I suspect it is people like yourselves who should be writing the books. Hurray for you and keep on going!
I have now tossed those, too, but am stressed out about my husband’s MIL coming in 3 weeks to help me make the long drive to see my husband graduate. She has even asked me over the phone if I make my spankings hard enough to hurt.
Michelle,
That was a very hard thing for me, too, because when we changed our parenting methods it did NOT go over well with my parents or with a lot of other people we knew. To them, it was all about instant control. So when I didn’t swat a kid on the spot for not obeying instantly, they weren’t shy about letting me know that they were pretty sure I was going to ruin our kids forever. It was…ugh…horrible.
But it’s important to remember that *we* are responsible for *our* kids, not for relatives reactions or opinions. I have to stand strong for my children’s sake, not so that I look good in a relatives eyes.
And, for what it’s worth, as the children grow, they really are turning out well and you have to hear “advice” less and less. Of course, my parents attribute the older kids behavior to the fact that we “trained” them when they were little. But, uh, hello, the fourth one was the kid they all said I was going to destroy by not sitting on him and controlling his every ornery move, and they are raving over how they can’t believe what a nice young man he’s turned into.
Like it’s some amazing miracle that he’s such a cool kid (an accident, obviously, since we didn’t spank him hardly ever, ya know)… *groans* It’s horribly annoying.
I would recommend, if she’s going to be there for a while, to have some books on hand that you can give her to read…? Clay Clarkson’s “Heartfelt Discipline” is a great one for people wholly steeped in Pearl-ology, because of how systematically he proves that “the rod” does not mean an American-style spanking. And “Families Where Grace is in Place” is a cheap little number that pretty much blows the Pearls parenting methods out of the water.
If she’s the reading type, maybe you can loan her those while she’s visiting and it will help her understand, even if she chooses not to agree, that you are basing your parenting practices on your understanding of how God parents us. If she’s not the reading type, ignore this, and try to survive the trip!!!
*hugs*
Anne, our son is on the Autism scale as well. It’s nice to meet others who understand. Thanks.
Anne2, I have been told that pat phrase, “it’s a sin issue” so many times it makes me sick. Of course it’s a sin issue. There was no illness of any kind prior to sin. But we don’t tell heart patients, “it’s a sin issue – you need to repent.”
I especially hate to hear this from young, unmarried people who don’t even like to work in the nursery because they don’t like kids. One young hotshot in our church told me “it’s a sin issue … you need to read [some passage that had nothing to do with it].” I (quite in character with my bull-headedness” responded with, “and your egotism is a sin issue as well, you might want to read that passage yourself if you get the time.”
If only I could hit the delete comment button after I say things like that.
Oh – and Anne2 – My wife is writing a book of sorts. She covers special needs parenting on a regular basis in her blog:
http://thechosenchild.blogspot.com
Richard, I say good for you in standing up for yourself. It’s not so much the fact that we put them in their place, but more the way we say it and the attitude we do it with. Though, I’m not sure how much grace I would have if being “instructed” like that by some young whipper-snapper!
And I have to say, I’m almost done reading “Families Where Grace is in Place” and it’s GREAT! Why is this book so little known? Or at least it seems that way. The graphs he uses are a little inadequate, but anyone whose been around (GNAP) Christianity should be able to relate no problem!
Michelle, I’ll be praying for you with your MIL. I’ve been getting reactions like that too!
It’s a sin issue alright, eh, Richard? I’ve had to say the same thing and was always met with stares of complete bewilderment and tut tuts. (Goodness, that woman thinks there is such a thing as mental illness.) I find it so ironic that pastors preach how our totality is tainted with sin, but will deny that any of that same original sin would be involved in mental illness. Boggles the mind.
Richard,
My friend is going through a similar thing…it was always very hard, and then as their son (who had a similar in-utero drug experience and sounds a lot alike) had the teenage hormones come in full strength, it got much worse, as in beyond bad. There *is* a time for seperating a child from the other children in the family, for the sake of the other children.
That said, I so admired her fight to make that not happen until it simply had to. It sounds like you guys are very similar: showering the kid with the love he’d never get anywhere else. I’m so thankful for people like you who aren’t afraid to get your hands dirty loving!!!
http://intent.squarespace.com/brush-strokes/2008/7/2/lower.html
Here’s the link to the story. It’s the same thing, just a different “ending” right now: fighting the condemnation that says you must be perfect, that says you must get the problem fixed NOW… It’s something to fight for our own selves as parents just as it is something to fight against having foisted into our kids.
Richard, Anne,
I appreciate your candidness.
I find this a frighteningly familiar road to walk down. My brother, from a young age, struggled. He was diagnosed with Oppositional Defiance Disorder, ADHD, Bipolar when he was just four. And it has been a long, winding, violent, horrific road to walk with him as his sister. (It was not helped by our family life in the least). I remember acutely the day the police came, I remember all the horrible awful things that people at my parents’ church said…it was hard to let him “go” into the mental health system. I think I thought at times that if I was just a good enough Christian, a good enough sister, he’d magically get better. For him, though, the system was his saving grace. He finally got on meds and started thinking straight for the first time in years, and I finally saw my brother again instead of a glassy eyed, near demonic creature. His healing has been amazing over the last year…he still struggles. But I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, if the Pearls ever got near my parents in their time of desperate need, it would literally have been the death of my brother.
And now, my second son, Z, has been diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder (also on the autism spectrum) and I couldn’t help but think how the Pearls’ teaching would exacerbate the behavioral problems he has! The last thing he needs is someone to get physical with him in the manner that they describe.
It’s horrible filth dressed up in finery.
I too wonder why books like “Grace Filled Parenting” and “Families where Grace is in Place” and others aren’t as widely distributed. I think, in part, it has to do with the fact that grace-filled parenting does not absolve the parent of responsibility, whereas teachings like the Pearls imply that it’s all the child’s fault (the viper in diaper mentality).
Joy, you hit the nail on the head. Using the Pearl’s methods on my autistic children would not be helpful in the slightest. He would not know how to process the violence.
We’ve worked really hard with our 2 year old to curb his tendencies to hit and such which is very common with autistic kids who lack communication skills and understanding. TTUAC would do such damage to all that we’ve accomplished.
Thank you so much for your thoughts and prayers!
Molly, I only WISH she would read them. She *might*, but will only be here for about a week before we have to make a 17 HOUR car drive with the kids. Yikes… Can I just hide under my bed?
In any case, she is deeply steeped in ATI/Gothard. My husband has a character book thingy he had to do when he went to live with them for a year and they homeschooled. He came for public school, was 16 and used to doing whatever he wanted to… It did NOT go over well! haha
On the subject of diagnoses for our children, I am not one to take my child to the dr for every little thing (I doubt any of us here are), but my oldest two really have me wondering. It has been absolutely horrible with my oldest for some time, even before my husband went for training. I ordered Ross Greene’s book “The Explosive Child” and it fits my oldest son to a “T”. My second son seems to have sensory issues, etc. My husband doesn’t want me to take them to be seen by a dr. because he doesn’t want us to mess up their chances of employment in the future (going into the military, etc). While I need to honor my husband, I see firsthand what is happening in my house and it troubles me deeply.
Spankings do NOT work on them. Been there, done that. It just ratchets (sp?) up the anger even more.
I cry almost every to the Lord to help me raise these children. It doesn’t help that I have my MIL saying it is “his sin nature” and I should look up every instance of the word sin in my concordance and pray about it, etc. Yes. I have all the time in the world to do that while being the mother and father.
Sorry for the rant…
that should say “came FROM public school”!
Michelle, children with sensory issues (like SPD and Aspergers and Autism- and particularly those who are exclusively SPD like my son) have a hard time actually interpreting the physical world around them due to developmental issues. My son’s vision is particularly bad, and long story short, his ears and brain talk faster than his eyes (imagine walking around in glasses with the wrong prescription and you can’t take them off). This can lead to sensory overload for the child (bright colors, fast movement, too much tactile sensation), sensory seeking (soothing movements such as rocking back and forth), and sensory avoidance (my son hates swings and has a hyperactive fear response to them). [You can read more about this on my blog...click on my name]
Because the children have a hard time making sense of their physical world, getting physical with them almost always exacerbates the SPD traits. More so than even a normal child, they have a hard time understanding the spanking on the most fundamental of levels. Where a normal child might go, my mom spanked me because I did something wrong, and it really hurts, I don’t want to do it again, a child with sensory issues may not even understand what the spanking was, other than that it caused pain and overwhelmed them.
That is why the Pearl interpretation is horrible, horrible advice especially with children with developmental issues.
BTW…SPD improves dramatically with therapy with an OT. It is mostly a physical issue that requires training the proper muscles.
It is most certainly NOT a sin issue.
HUGS to you dear one! Feel free to email me if you need it. I can so relate!
Thank you for the advice and hugs, Joy.
Years ago, I really looked into the Bible and searched my soul and realized the Bible does not mandate spanking (to be honest, it does not prohibit the practice, either.)
If the Bible was neutral and my heart was troubled by physically hitting my children, why was I spanking? Because religious leaders I respected told me the Bible mandates it?
I have completely given up trusting human leaders for direction and I find the Pearls advice to be the most problematic within conservative circles.
Baiting children?
Beating children?
Expecting perfectionism?
Where is grace?
What about mercy?
What about the sin nature in the parents? If *I*, as a grown adult, can’t get it right 100% of the time, why would I be so harsh with a child who is, after all, an apprentice in this human journey.
Hi, all.
I have never heard about “Grace based discipline”, but it does sound interesting. I don’t have any children (yet), but I would like to prepare myself spiritually and mentally for the monumental task of discplining a little person (who has their own mind, and knows how to use it thank you!) Would anyone mind sending me links, or book titles, or anything that I could use to research this?
Thanks
~Sarah
I am blessed that the first time I read the Pearls I was for the most part appalled. Call it the Holy Spirit, because it sure wasn’t experience or wisdom from my end.
I think that for some children, ie my son, spanking is effective and is rarely necessary, because he’s one of those kids that a simple warning usually does the trick.
But I have found – the hard, long, frustrating for both of us way – that with my strong willed daughter, spanking only makes the situation much, much worse. Only makes her geared up to fight and probably hurts her emotionally in a way that it doesn’t with non-strong willed children.
From what I read in these comments, this seems to be the concensus.
Parenting is NOT a one size fits all situation.
Wow. I hadn’t realized the Pearls were still such a big thing. I remember when Babywise came out, and I remember hearing women from my homeschool group talk about all the things they were doing with their little babies, and just couldn’t imagine forcing my kids into such a neglective situation. I had a friend who used to get their newsletter (she gave me one) and said it saved her sanity. She carried a wooden spoon around in her car and would strike her then 9 month old any time he did anything, such as reach for something she didn’t want him to. She would tell her kids they had demons in them, and she had to discipline them to get the demons out. It scared the daylights out of my girls to go over and play with her kids because of it. Sad!