Originally published to my Homeschool blog August 19, 2005
I discovered the To Train Up a Child series about a year ago. We were struggling with disciplining Piper and raising three children. The Pearl’s appeared to have all the answers. On the surface their materials made sense. And they seemed very Christian.
I quickly realized that if I were to discipline Piper the way the Pearls recommended, the “training” would border on abuse. I found in the beginning that it worked, but the price was too great. My children didn’t trust me anymore. I became a hitter. They feared me, certainly, but the respect was deteriorating. I could sense my connection with them slipping away. And the initial good results were short lived.
The Pearls talked about tying heart strings. It was really wonderful stuff, actually. But I couldn’t teach them the non-violence I wanted to while continuing to accept that it was okay for me to hit simply because I was bigger, or the “authority”. I am the authority, but I don’t have to spank to prove that.
The more I researched the Pearls, the more far-out I found them to be. In one article in their NGJ magazine they actually referred to homosexuals as “sodomites” and used the possibility for homosexual marriage as the reason that none of their children are legally married.
Ultimately, after considering the materials, and the consequences, I had to disregard the Pearls entirely. I could never imagine Jesus telling me to hit my children. I looked into Attachment Parenting, which was my natural style, and have found it to be just what the Dr. Sears ordered. I’m still healing the rift I caused with Reagan by following the Pearls.
Now they’ve gone a step farther into what I believe is the endangerment of Women and Children. I’m going to put parts of the original article in italics. The original article can be found HERE.
If you or your children have been hit (other than the children being spanked) so as to leave discernable marks two hours later, and you genuinely fear that he will repeat his battering, you can take legal steps without divorcing your husband.
My mother was hit by her second husband. He knew exactly HOW to hit her and not leave marks. Hitting is a violation of the vows that the husband agreed to. It is a deal breaker.
In a moment when he is not angry, calmly inform him that the next time he physically assaults you or the kids, you are going to call the law and have him arrested… I visit prisons every week. It is a great place to mull over the consequences of one’s deeds… Think about it, lady; it is a great time for writing love letters and sharing a three-minute romantic phone call once a week. Guys who get out of prison run straight home to their ladies and treat them wonderfully—for a while anyway.
Wow, that’s what a battered woman should do? Risk the wrath of the abusive husband who might snap and kill her? Time in prison that it can be a great time to work on the romance? I’m sorry, but this is not right.
If your abusing husband fully understands that you have the power of the law behind you, he will learn to keep his hands in his pockets.
No, the abusive husband has already proven he lacks control. I don’t buy this, and I wonder what research the Pearls have done to back up such a statement? Everything that I have read about domestic violence says just the opposite. He has an anger problem and a control problem, and the family is not safe with him.
But if your husband has sexually molested the children, you should approach him with it. If he is willing to seek counseling and repent, then fine and good. If not, then go to the law and have him arrested.
Seek counseling? Repent? But remain in the home with the children he’s molested? This is downright dangerous advice. Men sexually abusing children will say whatever it takes to remain near the children and continue the abuse. Children are too great a risk to take with someone who has already crossed that boundary.
Stick by him, but testify against him in court. Have him do about 10 to 20 years, and by the time he gets out, you will have raised the kids, and you can be waiting for him with open arms of forgiveness and restitution.
I’m sorry, but if someone, anyone, molests my children, my duty is to stand by the children, not the man who hurt them. What message does it send to the child molested that the person who did this to them is accepted back into their mother’s waiting arms? And mothers don’t get to decide how much time a pedophile does. Very often they get short prison sentences. And a woman who brings the man back into her home risks the children’s safety and her ability to retain custody. This advice is dangerous and wrong.
God hates divorce—always, forever, regardless, without exception.
I agree that it displeases God when families break apart. But that is NOT without exception. It is clear within the Scriptures that it is permissible to divorce under some conditions. Adultery being the one that Jesus gives. Sexual molestation of a child is a form of adultery, and the worst kind. It not only violates the sacred covenant between man and wife, but also the sacred covenant between parent and child. As a woman, I see no biblical command to honor that. I do, however, see a great responsibility given by God to be a steward of our children. That means protecting them from harm, even if it’s from their own parent.
The Pearls state their opinion in such a way as to appear to speak the Word of God, and are leading people astray. How many women will damage their children by staying with abusers and molesters in an attempt to “glorify God”? If the answer is even one, it’s one too many.
I hereby revoke any endorsement stated or implied of the Pearls and their materials regarding home, family, and child rearing.
May God have mercy on those who spread this kind of thing in His name.
” Stick by him, but testify against him in court. Have him do about 10 to 20 years, and by the time he gets out, you will have raised the kids, and you can be waiting for him with open arms of forgiveness and restitution.”
Huh?
Thank you. As the survivor of incest (even though it wasn’t my father) the fact that my mother is voluntarily continuing to be on speaking terms with the one who did this to me… is the deal breaker in severing our relationship.
I have read a few snippets of what the Pearls have to say in this book and it has the effect of making me very angry and almost physically sick. It is many things, but the Spirit of the God I know is nowhere near being behind this.
Something caught my eye that I hadn’t read before: their children aren’t legally married? What does that have to do with homosexual marriage?
Good question, Johanna! A lot of what they write just doesn’t seem logical…
Thank you for posting this. We need more people speaking out about the Pearls.
I second what Katherine Gunn just said. Even though in my case she eventually divorced him, it was because he cut her out of his will, not because of the abuse.
“What message does it send to the child molested that the person who did this to them is accepted back into their mother’s waiting arms?”
It sends the message that your mother considers herself the most important thing in your universe, and that she will do or say or sacrifice anything to her own happiness. At that point you start second guessing everything she tells you, from why you should eat your vegetables to the value of faith and education. “Mom is telling me to do this. Why? What’s in it for her? Is it really in my best interests? Is something else in my best interest?” At which point in time you’d better hope your child has their head on straight so their “best interests” really are.
At least in my experience.
Yep.
The Pearl’s are “coo-coo” for “coca-puffs”.
They would be a funny yet pathetic joke if their teachings did not hurt so many people.
Johanna—I don’t remember exactly, but I do know the Pearls are quite anti-government and anti-state. Their children have married, but not with an official state marriage license b/c the Pearls don’t trust the system and believe only God has the power to marry.
Which I believe too, but sometimes you have got to jump the hoop.
What would be sad, is if something happened to one of the parents and a child was put into a foster care system until the state could figure out who the father/mother was and go thru all that jazz since there is no legal marriage.
The Pearls are a bit “different” in a lot of ways. I’ve heard Micheal Pearl speak on “sissy boys” and he’s made ridiculous statements to the effect of, if you don’t let a boy play with knives and guns he’ll grow up to be a sissy and be a homosexual.
Now as far as the link between being unmarried and homosexuals, I have no idea. They lost me there!
What about this, “God is also able to save your children. There is no promise in Scripture to spare your children if you leave your lost husband.”
In the context of the article, she’s saying that if you leave an abusive husband, you’re risking your children’s salvation.
Talk about spiritual blackmail…
Also, there’s an emphasis on keeping a cheerful face on while you’re being abused that’s really tragic.
Well done!
Aother GREAT article!
Thank you!
When, though, did it become unfashionable to say sodomite?
I’ve heard Micheal Pearl speak on “sissy boys” and he’s made ridiculous statements to the effect of, if you don’t let a boy play with knives and guns he’ll grow up to be a sissy and be a homosexual.
What happened to these poor guys then?
http://www.pinkpistols.org/newspapers/sovo.html
Thanks, Normal. I have also read many things MP has said about “sissy boys”. It makes my skin crawl. Especially the parts that admonish mothers to stop “protecting” their sons by doing things such as comforting them when they are hurting, etc.
I also wonder how people names such as sissy, Sodomites (or the very offensive slang terms for gays/lesbians) is Christ-like.
JohannaS wrote: “I also wonder how people names such as sissy, Sodomites (or the very offensive slang terms for gays/lesbians) is Christ-like.”
I see … I think of the term “sodomite” in a totally differant manner.
I have worked with rape victims that have been sodomized.
So, for me, calling someone a Sodomitge is not offensive slang … it is a descriptive noun kinda thing.
It isn’t the word itself (and that wasn’t the word I was alluding to in my post; I meant f–) but the attitude behind it. Sinner beyond saving, gross, disgusting, unworthy of God’s love, degenerate. You can almost hear the disgust in their voices as they spit it out in their writings.
That wink shouldn’t be there. Sorry.
I also wonder how people names such as sissy, Sodomites (or the very offensive slang terms for gays/lesbians) is Christ-like.
I did not realize that “Sodomites” was a perjorative term. It is used for those who practice sodomy, which is definitional of male homosexuals. Am I missing something here?
I think people are misreading my post! lol
I said that OR the very offensive slang term…think starts with “f” and ends in “t”
I do not think Sodomite is offensive UNLESS it is said in disgust and carries the meaning that these people are horrible, disgusting, deserve Hell (don’t we all?), and are beyond repentance or salvation.
Sorry JohannaS –
My bad.
No problem. It might help if I wouldn’t try and do 5 different things–plus posting–at the same time.
Calling gay men “sodomites” is using the word that will carry with it the most negative connotation. It’s lumping them in with the angry mob wishing to do violence to an angel of God.
More than that, it’s a way to make gay people a “them” and disregard their inherent humanness, IMO. People of all sexual persuasions need the love and salvation of our Merciful Savior.
Anne – thank you for pointing this out. I will try to be careful with that term in the future. Although I don’t think I use it – I may have at times simply because I didn’t know it was offensive.
I must admit, however, that homosexual kind of makes homosexuals “them” instead of “us” as well and it refers to a sexual act every bit as much as sodomy does. Perhaps that is why the term “gay” was co-opted back in the 70s.
I dont’ go for PC craziness, but intentionally offending others is not something I want to do. It does not contribute to the relationship needed to share Christ.
[...] The Pearls are Wrong [...]
I remember reading this stuff and I still can’t believe that anyone would say such a thing.
“But if your husband has sexually molested the children, you should approach him with it. If he is willing to seek counseling and repent, then fine and good. If not, then go to the law and have him arrested.”
This is so wrong and I believe it would be against the law to just let this sort of CRIME end with “fine and good” “if” he repents!
I don’t care if he repents and seeks counseling, he still committed a crime. I believe, by law, that it must be reported to the proper authorities.
I could spend an hour expounding on why this advice is not only unethical but illegal and immoral.
The problem with a pedophile is that it is an insidious sin. It does not go away. How many reformed pedophiles do you know? How many of these pedophiles constantly struggle with urges to violate children and they know they can’t be around any children at all or they will be right back at their disgusting behavior? I have spoken at length with SVU detectives about this issue and it is well-known that the rate of recitivism for pedophiles is very high. They get sexually excited around children PERIOD. It isn’t a matter of having more and better sex with their own wives. They LIKE children and that is the only thing that will scratch their perverted itch.
I would never allow a known sex offender to be around my children, especially one who has already molested my children and I am don’t care whether it was their own father or not.
None of it is “fine and good”. The counsel is dangerous and illegal and it is horrendously naive.
Corrie wrote: “The problem with a pedophile is that it is an insidious sin. It does not go away … They get sexually excited around children PERIOD. It isn’t a matter of having more and better sex with their own wives … I would never allow a known sex offender to be around my children, especially one who has already molested my children and I am don’t care whether it was their own father or not.”
EXCELLENT!!!!
WELL SAID!!!
Corrie-
You are right; Pedophiles can seek and receive the forgiveness of God and man while sitting in prison!
People who practice sexual perversions are in a precarious situation. Scripture indicates that at some point God gives people over to their own devices and that when that happens they wax worse and worse. There is really no worse position to be in than to have God “give one over”.
People rightly point out that this is the situation that brings a person to the place where they cross the line into homosexuality ROM. 1:21-28, but these verses are not limited to just homosexuals being those who have been turned over to a depraved mind.
The word usage indicates that these verses include a who host of sexual perversions:…gave them up in the lusts of their (own) hearts to sexual impurity…God gave them over and abandoned them to vile affections and degrading passions…God gave them over to a base and condemned mind to do things not proper or decent but loathsome.
[...] Read this, written by a mom who read the Pearls books and found out how damaging their techniques were to her [...]
Hi Corrie! (waves) You’re so right, and it just confirms what I said earlier about the Pearls not getting how abusive men work. It’s strange: MP says himself that former abusers can’t be allowed anywhere near children, yet they really believe some magical thing will happen if the wife forgives them. Weird..
I just read all of the comments on this blog, and couldn’t possibly address everything that has been brought up. First of all taking a tiny portion of the Pearl’s writings and then bad mouthing them for the tiny excerpt, which I’ve seen some on here have been altered, is obviously wrong. If you’ll look at any of the Pearl’s writings, they have written a huge amount of articles to strongly wake up parents and help them guard their children against pedofiles. They are constantly, urgently, strongly warning parents to guard their children every waking minute, and then to those who have been hurt by one, to not keep their mouth shut, to report it to the authorities, and prepare to testify against the wrong doer.
I could go into why the sodomite comment is dead-on, to call them anything that isn’t disgusting would be anti-Bible.
Just for the record, you are all missing a huge blessing. Our children and happy, stable, and very obedient Christ-honoring children, thanks to “To Train up a Child”, and my marriage was just about to end before I found “Created to Be His Help Meet”. Now it is wonderful and glorious! Don’t let the devil deceive you any more.
Also, just for the record again, I contacted Amazon.com and Barnes and Noble, and they happily sell many NGJ materials. I don’t have much time, or I would write pages and pages of how dangerous what you are all doing is, in destroying families.
HK, if the Pearls stand so strongly against children having contact with pedophiles, perhaps they should take down that article from their site or write a retraction. Instead, they leave the article up and recommend that a wife take her pedophile husband back into her home and her arms after he’s done his time (and for a lot of pedophiles, that’s only a few months or years and not the 10-12 the Pearls think they should serve). Frankly, I find them so outrageous that I’m not going to waste my time perusing their other articles to prove to myself that they can’t really mean what they say.
If you think I’m missing a huge blessing by refusing to engage in operant conditioning with my children by spanking them for every infraction (aka Skinnerism or the Pearl’s “biblical” method of spanking), then I’ll happily pass that up. If you think I’m missing a huge blessing by not provoking my children to wrath and deliberately setting them up to fail so I can condition them to obey by hitting, then I’ll pass that one up too (yes, I know that’s a run-on). If you think I’m missing a huge blessing by teaching my children that the blood of Jesus Christ alone atones for their sins and that spanking doesn’t do a darn thing to change their heart (their behavior, maybe, but not their heart) or remove the guilt of sin from them as the Pearls teach, then count me in to miss it.
My children are happy, stable and very obedient Christ-honoring children and I don’t spank. I treat them the way God, my Father, treats me- with grace, mercy, and respect. He doesn’t treat me like an animal, but as his image-bearer. That’s the least I can do for my children.
I find it unfortunate that Amazon.com and Barnes and Noble sell NGJ materials. I’m not sure who said that they do not because they always have. In fact, any reader here can check out the 472 1-2 star reviews for To Train Up a Child on Amazon (out of 753) in total to read more about this horrible piece of abusive trash.
I would invite you to take the time to write about how we are destroying families by treating them the way we would like to be treated, by doing unto others as we would have done unto us, by recognizing that CHRIST ALONE bears the punishment for their sin, by holding fast to the fact that spanking does not change the heart of a child, by disciplining our children in a way that will actually teach them why what they did was wrong and what to do instead, and by modeling God’s amazing grace to them. Does that mean they are never disciplined? Of course not! But I’ve never felt God’s hand hit my backside so I’m not about to do it to my kids.
And FWIW, my Bible doesn’t use the word “sodomite”- homosexual offender, yes, sodomite, no- so I’m not sure how its anti-Bible to use other terms… I can only presume that you’re KJV-only and that your gripe is more about that than anything else.
IMHO, the word “sodomite” is a little back-woodsy… In this day and age, if you say “gay” or “homosexual”, people still know what you’re talking about, whereas when the term “sodomite” was used more frequently, the word “gay” meant happy…
Just an after thought…
Jesus called them sinners for which He loved and died.
I don’t think homosexuality corners the market on “disgusting” behavior. My pride is just as disgusting because it is sin to a holy God, same as homosexual behavior is.
Hi, HK. you’re really out of line in accusing us of ruining families. Pedophiles are what ruin families and, in case you missed it, I did point out how the Pearls hate pedophiles. That’s what’s so weird about how they think the wives of pedophiles shouldn’t divorce them!!
“Just for the record, you are all missing a huge blessing”
Not me; I’ve been greatly blessed by them. I just learn to leave the bull where it is.
I’m with Cally–I think HK panties are in a wad more about the KJV-only issue than the use of the word “sodomites.”
I do not adovocate and do not “like” the homosexual lifestyle. I do believe it is a sinful way to live. But, I think there are oh, THOUSANDS of other sins too.
And the deadly ones? How often we miss those! Isn’t gluttony a deadly sin, according to that KJV Bible? How come we don’t hear more preachers talking about church patrons bellying up to the buffet more than they should?
Anyhow, I have 2 friends who are a lesbian couple, and while I do not agree with their lifestyle, they are my friends and 2 of the finest individuals I’ve ever met. We leave our sexual issues at the door and focus on our friendship.
And no, I do not call them “sodomites.” I call them friends and I let God deal with the rest.
I suppose, technically, lesbians can’t be sodomites, can they… which would make the term “homosexual” all that much more appropriate.
I have read all these comments from everyone, and totally disagree in the child-rearing issue. I have been reading thier materials for several years nows. There is not one scripture they have violated in their teaching… only gone against the pop culture psychology is all. I am SO thankful that someone handed me TTUAC when I was pregnant with my first. I saw how kind, obedient and respectful her 4 children were, and with what calmness and kind athourity she spoke with and taught her children when they spoke ugly, acted ugly or whatever. I was amazed! So when I was pregnant with my first, I wanted to know her secret to her well behaved family and how she had so much wisdom in her words, actions, control over her temper, and how she would spat thier hands when they disobeyed, but with NO hint of anger or sense of being personallly insulted by thier behavior. So I got the book and have I literally thank God for the Pearls almost weekly!! In fact when I get frazzled, angry and totally stressed out with my kids, I have to go pick up No Greater Joy books and thier materials and read how important it is for me to let the Holy Spirit fill me with joy, love, and patience with my children. To ENJOY them, smile in thier faces, love them. To CHILL OUT. They always help me so much.
I have a wonderful husband and three children… 4, 3, and 3 months. I have been SO blessed, encouraged and uplifted by their stuff. I do spank my children (mandated by God SEVERAL times in Scripture) but not in anger, out of love so that they learn that there are consequences to disobedience. That they must obey Jesus becuase it is only in obeying Jesus that we show we love Him and it goes well with us. I do this because I LOVE them. They have taught me the importance of self-control over my emotions when dealing with smart alicky kids or disobedient children… not to yell, snap, or spank out of anger. I have become a BETTER mother and my kids truly have turned their sullen little attitudes around to be joyful children who are so well balanced and respectful at thier young age. Anyway, I just want to say that I am a normal 30 year old young (Ha) mom and their insight and wisdom in how to handle children has really been priceless to my life.
I for one LOVE all the hundreds of articles on how to love, strengthen, teach, and build such an awesome relationship with your children. Put everything second to your husband and children…. LOVE them, LISTEN to them, RESPECT them. They NEVER teach to abuse or hurt your kids. They even say that when you are spanking all the time, something is WRONG. That spanking is not always the answer…. I mean, come on people. Don’t be mad at Micheal Pearl when he teaches on Biblical spanking… it is and was God’s design and idea, not mans. With spanking comes teaching and explaining why we must continue in that offense… how God would have us obey. And when the “spanking” is over, there should
I almost laughed when reading all these slanderous and false statements and opinions about Micheal Pearl! I thought, boy… there are lots of people being totally lied to, how SILLY!!
I dont always agree with EVERYTHING they say, especially about the divorces in situations of molestation and abuse or where life and health is in danger… but I do not disreguard all the wonderful wisdom they share about children and marriage. I am truly a better mom and mother because of their ministry and I look forward to their newsletter every few months!!! I LOVE Them!!! And I can be described as a very loving, open person who loves lost people that do not know Christ. I just really think that these blogs are blown WAY out of whack and are totally whop sided.
By the way, scripture calls homosexuals sodomites. So, what is the big deal? Why bash the Pearls for using that term?? I think if we started using Biblical terms instead of this politically correct language we use today we see sin for what it really is, and have a fear of it, not embrace it or turn a blind eye. Remember, we are supposed to hate sin because Satan loves the sin to kill, steal, and destroy our lives… not because we HATE THE PERSON! We LOVE the person.
Anyway, I do not want to get into a verbal fight with anyone who is hot tempered and easily offended on this sight and who disagrees with me. I am glad we live in a country where we have the freedom to disagree and share our opinions and treat one another with respect and kindness. But I wanted to counter these outrageous claims and be a witness to how AWESOME they really are… very loving, intelligent, wise people. Thank you Lord, for the Pearls.
Thankful and greatful for the Pearls,
Marcie
The Pearl’s quotes have not been altered, and the link is provided so that they may be read in context.
Still, even if you were right and the only problem with the Pearl’s were these statements (which I don’t believe) then I think it totally worth it to shout from the rooftops not to follow these teachings unless this is revoked entirely.
When children are sexually abused it changes who they are forever. It creates wounds in them that threaten to destroy them from the inside out and take a lifetime to heal from. The only thing for the Pearl’s to say to a situation like this is to get out, get the kids out, and do everything in their power to make sure that he never is able to do that to another child again.
Which is yet another example of how their material is confusing and contradictory. And yet another reason not to follow them. I mean, which is it? Guard your kids or let the perpetrator stay if he repents?
Well, you’d be wasting your time. My bible doesn’t use the word, and I believe that all of us (including gay people) are children of God and should be treated with love and respect. I hope you use equally harsh words for your own sins?
If what was happening in my home was a “blessing” then I’m happy to give it up, thanks. My children are well behaved, healthy and happy without TTUAC and NGJ. Choosing not to use dangerous and heretical material is not letting the “devil deceive” me. But thank you for the concern.
Well, if you ever feel the urge, feel free to share. Somehow I don’t see speaking out against the Pearl’s materials as “destroying families” but I do think that you make my case for me about how they are selling fear.
Use TTUAC or you’ll raise “little terrorists”!
If you speak out against TTUAC or NGJ you’re destroying families and being decieved by the devil!
The sky isn’t falling. It’s being held by our Lord and Savior. And I’ll trust in Him over Michael Pearl any day.
Dear Marcy,
I’m glad that you are so happy with your family. I’m prone to thinking that if that’s the case, it’s has more to do with how you have chosen to implement the Pearl’s teachings than how they teach their methods.
That said, I’m disappointed to see you so easily gloss over such a dangerous teachings as the ones you admit to having issues with.
More than that I’m sad to see you so easily gloss over a major issue brought up here on this blog and elsewhere that they are teaching that guilt and sin can be removed from children with the switch, which is blatant heresy.
No one is lying here about the Pearl’s. As we’ve said repeatedly, we don’t know them and can’t speak to their character. This is about what they teach.
I have not intentionally decieved anyone, and if you can show me something that I have said in error, I encourage you to do so.
And I’d like to share that all those qualities you saw in your friend can be achieved with graceful parenting and without the switches recommended by the Pearls. I have seen it.
I would echo Anne’s call for anyone who believes we have misrepresented the Pearls or altered their writings or quoted them out of context to please show us via email or in the comments. We want to be intellectually honest, especially because we believe that the Pearls writings speak for themselves. So please, we take all these charges very seriously and would welcome the opportunity to answer them.
Thank God somebody somewhere is still concerned about the Pearls’ teachings, specifically regarding their responses to pedophilia, domestic violence and divorce. I could easily comment on these matters, but they look to have been addressed pretty thoroughly here; anything I would have to say about them would be just more variations on a theme.
What I would like to address as a particular concern of mine, and one that is close to my heart, is the portrayal of single mothers in CTBHHM. Although I am not a Christian, I have many, many friends who profess Christianity, and many of them have been or are currently affiliated with the more “fringy” elements of Christian lifestyle emulated by the Pearls. When I was pondering the notion of marriage back in 2005 (not that anyone had asked; I was just pondering, is all
), one of these dear friends suggested the book to me. Having already heartily rejected NGJ and TTUAC, I was seriously skeptical about reading anything else written by the Pearls, especially anything having to do with marriage, but because I was not religiously identified, per se, I decided it couldn’t hurt……hmmmm. I wish I had never laid eyes on any of their teachings. I also wish that I could reference the book more accurately, but from what I can remember, the description is closer to the beginning of the book and describes single mothers (women such as myself) as dressing cheaply, having ragged haircuts, working worthless waitress jobs or traffic directing jobs (??), dating creepy men who are all potential child molesters (and then leaving our children alone with such men while we dash out to our food stamp appointments or minimum wage jobs), raising horrible, untrained, bitter, resentful brats that “no man wants to stepfather”, living life as low-rent, second-rate mate choices for eligible men who look over our heads at younger women with “no strings attached”, suffering through our children’s adolescence as the objects of their well-deserved derision and disrespect, and ultimately living a lonely, empty life because we raised our kids without fathers, and driving ourselves alone to our doctor’s appointments when we finally discover the lumps in our breasts….
Although I doubt anyone here still looks to the Pearls for wisdom or acceptance, I am hoping that someone else read that description in CTBHHM and knows what I’m talking about. After I read it, I felt horrible. As if it’s not bad enough that it’s the wife’s fault if the husband has a pornography, prostitution, alcohol or rage addiction, or if he just doesn’t feel intimate…….I was never even married. Where does that leave me, or my son? Of course I realize that my son’s father and I didn’t go about things in the “right” way….so that somehow makes it ok for Debi Pearl to curse me with a lifetime of isolation from my son, a lifetime of matelessness, and breast cancer? Huh?? What about his dad? He’s never been involved, but from what I’ve heard over the years has lead a life of carefree girls and parties…..but that’s….what? OK?
And just to clarify: I may be a single mother, but I know that I did the right thing by not having an abortion. I also know that, when I was four months pregnant and searching for a name for the baby, Hashem not only gave me a name, He also told me very clearly that I was going to raise the child. He never said I’d do it alone, or that I wouldn’t do it alone, just that I would do it. I also have completed 5 1/2 years of college since my son was born, I speak three languages, and my son is an amazing, intelligent, loving, respectful young man that I am blessed with every day. I have never left him alone with creepy people, because I don’t have creepy people in my life, and, even though it might be lonely, I would rather that than be with a bad man. I’ve had two serious relationships over the past ten years, but my son has never even so much as seen me hold hands with or kiss a man. I may be a single mom, but I know what a good man is, and my son is well along his way to becoming one.
Too bad the vicious hate-mongering of the Pearls is being marketed to young families. It’s very, very, sad.
Eli2831,
That is a beautiful story of how your son was born and you sound like a WONDERFUL mom. Wow.
I so agree with you on the terrible disservice the Pearls do to minds when the objectively write off anyone who doesn’t fit neatly into their paradigm. Their language is full of shame and condemnation. That’s the very thing that Jesus stood against.
Peace be with you, and thank you so much for sharing your story. You are an inspiration to single moms everywhere. Your son has a true treasure of a mother.
I’ve heard many people say, “See, the Pearls have a lovely family!” (which I’m sure they do) and “See, it worked for them!”
When you point to the “good fruit,” it is only honest to point to the “bad fruit” as well — the broken families, the hurting children who never can “measure up,” the mothers who spank harder and more frequent to “be consistent. . .” These things DO happen in families where everything is “done right” according to the Pearls’ teachings.
These are families where the Gospel of Jesus Christ is lost sight of and so-called “Biblical” living becomes an idol. These are not simply excesses of “legalism,” but the true fruit of teachings that lose sight of the Gospel.
Anne has shared some of her experiences. . . Meggan has shared hers. . . and Jo grew up with this parenting. . .
Just because the Pearls promise certain outcomes, doesn’t mean that’s how it will play out in each family. I’d really encourage everyone to read through the above stories.
Grace and peace,
TG
Eli, thank you so much for sharing your story. I may be married now, but people like the Pearl’s would have no time for me, either. Or perhaps they’d think I was lucky that a man was “kind” enough to lower himself to give me the time of day.
My son was born to me, a single mother, never married, a week after my 20th birthday. With the support of my family I went back to school to receive my nurses training and I used that education to support him (who knew I was supposed to be directing trafic?) and when he was still a toddler I met the man who is now my husband and who has raised my son as his own and loved him as his own since we met.
The Lord provides. I knew that I had to be extra careful who I brought into my child’s life. And so did God. Our job is to look after our children and He will look after us.
I am grateful that I am not judged by the Pearls, but by a loving and forgiving God who knows everything I’ve ever done wrong and loves me anyway. There is room in true Christianity for all of us, and in it we are all equal.
Peace to you, and your son.
I enjoy their books, but do not agree with everything they say. As with most commentary type books you have to go back to the Bible to make sure what you are reading is correct or not. To use the word sodomite for someone who is a male homosexual is the correct term. Not so sure for lesbians but I guess it could also work. I was spanked as a child and am no worse for wear, there is a huge difference in spanking your child and beating your child. But on the most part if we didn’t listen to what our father said we learned by getting hurt (touching the oven, putting fingers in sockets, stuff like that) and then we would have further consequences to our disobedience. A child should be raised to have respect for their parents and all older persons. However if that person is abusing them (something more than a simple spanking) then that child should be taken away and never be given back. As for if my husband–or anyone– were to molest our child(ren), it would be hard for me not to “two wrongs don’t make a right” and kill the sorry piece of trash. No one touches my kids like that. EVER. And I agree that he/she/it would NOT be coming back into my life. As a requirement, I am to forgive if I am to be forgiven, but that would be hard, and I am not the one who truly has to forgive, that is for the true victim to do. Every family is different as is every person and their beliefs. Just because one thing works for you or you feel it should be this way or that for you, it may not be for someone else. The best that we can do it what God tells us to do, live a life by His rules, and not listen to what people around us say or try to push on us. I am a believer in God and try everyday to be more like Jesus. I pray that I will lead a good example for my children because the world gets worse and worse each day morally and spiritually and it is going to be hard for them to stand up for what they believe. Raise up a child is what they believe, I know what I believe, regardless of that.
Hello,
I just found your blog. I am so glad that people haven’t forgotten about the Pearls and are still speaking out.
The Pearls advice to a woman to not divorce her pedophile husband is horrible.
One of your commentators mentioned that the Pearls seek to protect kids from sexual abuse. It is true that the Pearls suggest that parents not let their children attend sleep overs or have privacy in their own bedrooms. Their excuse is that they are somehow keeping their kids pure. But this sounded like an effort to have complete control over their own children to me.
I am trying to write a series of article on my own blog about the Pearls. I really want people to be aware of this family and their influence on some Christian families.
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