Here are some excerpts from an article that appears in their current magazine:
I am thankful for the testimony of the Foger family as well as other families that have come into our lives. They are a prototype to help us understand the problems that are arising among some older homeschooling families. We call it by different names. Today it is the Cloistered Homeschooled Syndrome. Briefly, it is the failure of the parents to understand, appreciate, and respect the individuality of their adult children. They sacrifice the individual identities of their children on the altar of their own emotional needs, making them nurse when they should be killing and dressing their own food, making them obey when they should be learning to command. They seem to think that grown children are God’s gift to them rather than their gift to God. Through letters and personal contact, we see more and more of this cult-like isolationism, parents demanding absolute allegiance to the family group, and fearing outside contact might break up their “fellowship.” Adult kids who want to launch out on their own are told that they are rebellious and disloyal and are causing grief to those who have nurtured them. Emotionally needy parents manipulate their grown children into remaining loyal to the unit. Thirty-year-old daughters sit at home acting as surrogate mothers, watching their prospects to ever be a mother dwindle…
There was a vacuum, a need for leaders to arise and define what had become a movement, to clarify our journey and give us direction through uncharted waters. First, curriculum was written, then seminars. Sub-movements arose to flesh out the new culture, specialists addressing every conceivable issue—head coverings, dress, doctrine, spanking, scheduled nursing, Kosher foods and Jewish practices, and the list goes on. Books were written, some good, some not so good. Then someone pulled from ancient Chaldean and Sumerian culture, also practiced by Jews of that day as reflected in Scripture, a system of Patriarchal rule. It was the way nomadic clans were held together, a necessity of the times, but never taught by Moses, the prophets, or Christ as God’s divine plan…
It is now become a disease of epic proportions. We call them PDFs, Patriarchal Dysfunctional Families. The children are treated as permanent property of the parents. If they don’t marry, and many of them never have the opportunity, they remain at home as a sort of indentured servant, never rising to the status of an adult, always under authority of the head of the clan, the Patriarch Daddy. Don’t snicker. A lot of kids are hurting. And if you want to see something scary, try to conduct a betrothal with two patriarchal mothers involved. It is uggggly. Daughter sits at home serving the younger children and doing Mama’s chores—waiting for God’s choice. Daddy and Mama hold their merchandise guardedly, waiting for a buyer who never comes.
What is pitiful is the whole process is done in hopes of getting the perfect will of God, but one vital ingredient is missing—encouraging your children to become responsible, autonomous, well educated, and experienced adults as soon as possible. You should have trained your sons to be men by the time they are fifteen, independent by the time they are eighteen. Your daughters should be capable of living apart from the family by the time they are eighteen and should be allowed to make their own life’s decisions somewhere between the ages of eighteen and twenty. Unmarried, grown (18 years old) children may remain at home; it is good if they do; but the parent-child relationship should evolve into an adult-adult relationship by the time they are sixteen to eighteen years old. Parents should have earned the right to give advice, and kids should have grown in wisdom enough to ask for it. But a parent should never invoke his parental authority on a grown kid. It is demeaning to both and akin to not being potty trained.
To teach a student to drive or fly a plane and then always make him be in the company of his parents is degrading. You teach them so they can become independent of you. Whose need is being met when a Father treats a 22-year-old girl like a child, dictating the parameters of her choices?
The glory of a parent is to work himself out of a job, to stand back and see his kids fly solo
They are wrong wrong wrong about their ideas on discipline, but they are spot on about this issue. I find it strangely ironic because of the ideas presenting in Debi’s book Created to Be His Helpmeet but okay… I’m not going to throw the baby out with the bathwater on this one.
You can read the entire article here. But please, anything else on the site, read at your own risk. We do not recommend poking your head around No Greater Joy for very long…
Actually, No Greater Joy for the most part has excellent articles. You’ll find very very little on physical disciplining there (mostly stuff about accepting your children and emotionally training them in obedience, respect etc) and pretty much nothing about wives obeying; anything in regards to the latter is old stuff that you’d have to dig deep to find. Just thought I’d mention this; I’ve been poking around NGJ for a couple of years now and their articles, at least from the last few years, are the least alarming things. What can I say? I guess they’re improving.
Just to explain the difference between the Pearls’ beliefs about wifely obedience and the Patriarchal movement’s beliefs about it: the Pearls believe that a wife should obey her husband, but that this is exclusively a one-sided decision that her husband has no right interfering with. She should obey her husband out of her own choice because she wants to, not because he orders her to. Obedience means that she simply chooses to go along with his decisions, not that he gives orders or even has any authority over her; it’s entirely HER choice and based on her behavior, not his. (I hope I’m explaining this properly) And, moreover, if she doesn’t obey him, he’s not allowed to make a peep about it because it’s between her and God! This is why Debi advises wives to concentrate only on their role of submission, whereas Michael tells husbands to focus only on their role of loving, and this flies starkly in the face of such extreme patrio groups that, in some sects, allow husbands to spank their wives if they don’t obey or otherwise fulfill their roles.
Anyways, just wanted to explain this in hopes of avoiding confusion about the Pearls’ ideas of patriocentricity; sorry if it took too long!
I should also add that, aside from the Pearls’ idea that wives should obey husbands and that women should not be pastors, they really have no issue whatsoever about women in authority over men. They come right out and say that women can be heads of companies, corporations, and even countries! Nor do they whine about women going out in the world, becoming as independent as men, and being missionaries; they exhort this, in fact. These are the reasons why, ultimately, I went from avoiding the Pearls to highly respecting them (as people, if not always advisors). I still don’t agree with all their views, but I think their hearts and heads are straighter than I originally did and I no longer dread seeing what they post on their website; it’s quite easy for me now to pick the diamonds from the duds and lately, I’ve seen far more diamonds than not.
Thanks for sharing this article, Cally. It’s about time another conservative homeschooling group spoke against this nonsense!
Careful….
Don’t speak too highly of the Pearls. Not here on WWF.
Or their credibility among the patrios will drop faster than the twin towers.
Then who will be able to speak to them?
But seriously, folks. The Pearls have always had some very good things to say.
That’s why CTBHH was so hard.
When my DH and I were going through our worst, someone gave me xeroxed chapters from CTBHH and unfortunately it was the worst advice possible for our situation.
A much better book for us at that time was “Boundaries in Marriage.” The reason for this is because my DH is a good man with a bad disorder called Adult ADHD. (Any and all who don’t believe in ADHD need not waste time to try to tell me it doesn’t exist. There is nothing you can say to convince me otherwise after over twenty years of marriage.)
Anyway, one of the problems of ADHD is a terrible understanding of boundaries. DH trampled mine for years and neither of us understood what was going on. Debi’s advice was gasoline on the flame. “Boundaries” was an open door to find real solutions.
So, yes. I have always respected the Pearls.
That is why CTBHH was such a heartache.
I’m so glad to hear this. It is good to know that there is a “conservative” voice out their to the PDF’s…it’s true…who else will they listen to?
When I first began homeschooling, 13 years ago, one of my primary motivations was to “raise up arrows to be sent out into the world for Christ”…Well, 13 years later the homeschooling voice that I was hearing was saying, “I am not raising arrows, I am raising ballistic missiles”. (Voddie Bauchum) The confusing part is that his daughter has now graduated and not allowed to leave home…what does a ballistic missile do when it isn’t launched?
Thanks for the post.
Mara, even a broken clock is right twice a day (as evidenced by the presence of this excerpt on the blog)… but their child training advice is appalling- so appalling, in fact, that I think its pretty safe to throw the baby out with the bathwater when it comes to those issues.
Jennifer, I’m surprised that you like them. Have you had the chance to read Anne’s posts on the Pearls?
Oh Cally, I read all the reports of bad advice from the Pearls a few years before I even came here; I didn’t even need to read all of Anne’s posts, because I’ve heard from every critic already. Believe me: I’ve been on their trail for a while and used to be one of their strongest dissenters. I’m glad I found the good after the bad, or I might have disregarded them forever. With them, it’s a major case of loving the sinners and hating the sin: this is not to say that I regard myself as higher than them or their judge by any means, but I’m now able to disregard their advice without losing total respect for them. Believe me: they’re right more than twice a day. It would seem that all their bad advice is combined in their books, because I’ve rarely seen any in the online articles these days.
Please don’t think I ignore any dangerous advice from them. I have a one-star review for CTBH on Amazon and any time someone appears with a five-star review that says incorrect things about their advice, I pop right up and contradict them. I am incorrigible.
As for being surprised that I like them: trust me, no one’s more surprised than me
Mara, it encourages me to know that you’ve had great experience with them too. Thanks for your post, and humor
Not to fan flames or anything
, but I have to agree with Cally. IMHO, the Pearls’ child training advice is seriously flawed, at best, and malignant at worst, because it is so easy for unstable or misguided parents to misuse what they say.
While I think that the Pearls are genuine in their faith & good intentions, I was appalled, for example, that they issued no statement of sorrow or sympathy at least over the death of Sean Paddock, killed by his foster/adoptive mother who claimed she was using Pearl-sanctioned parenting techniques. No, the Pearls didn’t kill him or advocate Paddock’s methods, but I believe that they have some moral responsibility in the matter. Their child training teachings are just plain dangerous as is their advice to abused wives in CTBHM, no matter how well-intended they may be. I believe that they will have to answer to God for these things.
That all said, I think that they are RIGHT on this particular issue, although I have to wonder how they can’t see that some of their prior teachings have gotten these PDF families into this dreadful situation! Nonetheless, I’m glad they’re speaking out because as some of you have said, perhaps many who are or would become caught up in the PDF mentality will get out or be warned in time.
I tend to discount the advice of people who advocate abusing children in the name of Jesus… even when they are right on some things, as they undoubtedly are. But that’s just me. And I know this is a snarky comment… I haven’t had my Zoloft today. I may owe you an apology when I come to my senses later.
Mrs. X, they advocate some of the methods Mrs. Paddock used- like spanking with plastic tubing which is what she used on her older son who now has permanent physical injury as a result. Wrapping kids up on blankets so tight that they suffocate? No, absolutely not. Hitting with a pipe, yes.
The person who wrote that article must have had a hidden camera in my parent’s house, because seriously, that is MY story.
So much of that just made my heart pound.
“Adult kids who want to launch out on their own are told that they are rebellious and disloyal and are causing grief to those who have nurtured them.”
The three words used most often to me by my parents were: Rebellious, Disloyal, Causing Grief. Pretty much in that order, too.
The reason they called me this? I wanted to spend time with my fiance’s parents (getting to know them before I married their son), instead of every single weekend at my parents house.
What do ya know.
Oto
I read that whole article, and I’m thankful that the Pearls have brought up a very important issue — one that is often overlooked especially within homeschool circles. So, good for the Pearls. <– And I say that cautiously, since in their last journal they identified me as one of their critics — I don’t want anyone to get them impression I have “seen the light” — I’m still critical of their theology, and their unBiblical and harmful teachings about families.
Yah, I read Michael Pearl telling how he didn’t want to have some kind of high and mighty position making marriage choices for his children. His goal was to get them mature enough to make their own wise decisions. I think he said he didn’t want to feel responsible for creating marriage problems — that was his adult children’s own responsibility, not his.
Michael and Debi Pearl, while not naming the Ezzos, also once wrote an article very much against scheduling infant feeding with a one size fits all schedule.
Their down home wisdom was true — they say not all animals of one breed can provide milk the same, and one baby will have to work to nurse to help get the mother’s supply up, while other baby animals get plenty with little work. It was kind of funny reading about cows and their opinions on breastfeeding, but they were right. Women are not all alike in this manner, and each situation is unique.
Great comments, everyone. Oto, that’s what I thought: the kind of comments the Pearls used as an example sounded so much like the type patrios would use. I had no idea, though, that they were THAT close to home with you. I’m so sorry, again, for your past.
I wonder if these words would ever be used against the daughters of the Mcdonalds, the Shermans, or the Botkins. Or, have such daughters been brainwashed enough already? The Botkins certainly reached that stage when they were teens.
I can barely believe that this issue popped up after I had already loaded a bunch of posts in on my blog about black and white thinking.
Putting drastic differences into perspective requires a lot of maturity and personal security. We should be able to expect consistency, particularly in our parents, but this is not always the case. Even our good earthly fathers are fallible, and sometimes when we ask for bread or an egg, we might get a stone or a scorpion because of our own personal lack or because of circumstances. This also happens to adults that experience terrible disappointments or trauma — the world becomes unpredictable. (This is called psychological splitting and is a psychological defence mechanism used by children, most commonly.) But adults use it to — to help us function and recover from disappointments. When we need safety, we tend to see things in greater extremes.
This is HUGE in patriarchy. Things are deemed entirely good or entirely evil. People themselves are also seen in this way, and people within the group are attracted by that illusion. “Here is a safe way that will give you guaranteed results, backed by God’s Own Word.” But there is no such thing in this life. Even the proverb says “Raise a child in the way that he should go AND WHEN HE IS OLD, he shall not depart from it.”
So this is of great encouragement to me and I am grateful to note that the Pearls are willing to make distinctions such as this one. Though I believe that they share many presuppositions with the patriocentrists like Phillips, they are able to separate the beliefs that they don’t share. It also shows that they are not scheming, nor are they intimidated. They are still on the patriocentric continuum, but not down on the far end with some of these other extreme teachers.
In contrast, I was “cautioned” by people outside of patriocentricity to be concerned about possibly “pushing” these different camps who share similar ideas “together.” Certain camps within the SBC (those associated with the Council on Biblical Manhood and Womanhood), Gothard, the Pearls, Lindvall and Vision Forum all share identical ideas and basic beliefs, but they don’t share all of them. Sometimes when they do differ, they differ sharply. I was told that I might give them all cause to join together to advance their common causes, thus “pushing them together.”
I’m thrilled to see that for the Pearls are not concerned about pulling away from these others when convicted to do so. That speaks volumes in favor of their motives and character. Likewise, to my knowledge, they do not launch diatribes and distortion campaigns against those who criticize them.
I still am disgusted by many of their teachings, but on the grand scale, they have a lot more going for them than many of these others who share some of their beliefs.
If you feel discomfort acknowledging the Pearls for their strong statements against the “PDF”s, ask yourself if you are thinking in terms that are extreme black and white. Read up on this informal logical fallacy (easy to find in a search engine) or on psychological splitting, if that language seems easier or more familiar. (Both describe the same concept using a different kind of specialized language and from a little different perspective.)
If you’re coming out of patriarchy in any of its forms, this will be something you will eventually confront and will have to deal with (making people or sources 100% trustworthy — other than the Word of God, that is). This is the whole reason behind why I studied the original language of the New Testament and felt betrayed when I realized that it actually opened up the text to more interpretations and possibilities than it solved. There are no theophanies. There are no sure things. We have the Word of God and we have the Holy Spirit to teach us discernment. Experience is a teacher for us, too. As we mature, we can see in more than just black and white. And I’m not big on grey. I prefer living colour!
Does anyone know without me looking –
Are the Pearls “reformed” or “dispensational” or some form of “arminian”? They strike me as the latter two?
Cally, I agree with you that they did indeed advocate some of the methods used by the Paddock woman. That is why I at least expected a statement of sympathy or sorrow – their teachings DID play a role in Sean’s torture and death. I wonder if they didn’t do so because of a fear of liability or because they actually see themselves as blameless in this situation.
Cindy, you expressed my feelings for the Pearls perfectly! Thank you.
“Are the Pearls “reformed” or “dispensational” or some form of “arminian”? They strike me as the latter two?”
I used to think they were Calvinists, but they’re not. Michael Pearl explains Calvinism to a certain degree, including his own beliefs, and sells a pamphlet explaining the five points of Calvinism, but he also sells a lengthy book exposing the heresies of it. So no, they’re not reformed.
“Are the Pearls “reformed” or “dispensational” or some form of “arminian”?”
I agree that they seem to be the latter two. If I see any confirmation, i’ll let you know.
Hey, Mara R., you’re not the only one with an ADD/ADHD husband.
That’s something else the patriarchy groups don’t address, what happens if you husband has a medical issue and *can’t* make decisions on a regular basis.
Cindy, IMHO, they are Pelagians or, at best, Semi-Pelagians. They are definitely not Calvinists.
“Likewise, to my knowledge, they do not launch diatribes and distortion campaigns against those who criticize them.”
Errrrr. . . Not as bad as some. . . But they do.
“And if you want to see something scary, try to conduct a betrothal with two patriarchal mothers involved. It is uggggly. ”
Now, that is funny.
“Well, 13 years later the homeschooling voice that I was hearing was saying, “I am not raising arrows, I am raising ballistic missiles”. (Voddie Bauchum) The confusing part is that his daughter has now graduated and not allowed to leave home…what does a ballistic missile do when it isn’t launched?”
It waits for a bigger missle to come along, purchase it, swallow it up and tell it never to launch? You know, the Great Commission does not apply to women.
(
Yes, the inconsistencies coming from this camp are alarming. Bachum is the latest guru that everyone is inviting to speak at their conferences.
Michael Pearl has THIS one right.
Excellent comments, Lin.
“Oto, that’s what I thought: the kind of comments the Pearls used as an example sounded so much like the type patrios would use. I had no idea, though, that they were THAT close to home with you. I’m so sorry, again, for your past.”
I’m not sorry. Not really. I hate what happened to me in the past, but what did happen to me made me on fire for Truth. I’m DONE with having beliefs shoved down my throat. What I believe, I want to believe it because I have Scripture as evidence, and the Holy Spirit for discernment.
And also, what you said about the Botkin girls is likely true. I have younger siblings who are completely brainwashed by my parents. They all work for my father’s business (with no pay), are at home all the time (except to go to church), and are completely indoctrinated with the belief system of the Patriarchs (though my mother will deny that she believes in “Patriarchy”, she calls it “Biblical thinking”.)
My parents have spiralled downward since I was young, as well. They didn’t used to be so dysfunctional. They weren’t exactly normal, but they weren’t ludicrous. I was allowed to have a part time job when I was young. That’s probably why I grew to be so independent minded.
If they knew what I said about that, they would probably say “That’s why your younger siblings aren’t allowed to have part time jobs anymore! Been there, done that, been burned!”
“The confusing part is that his daughter has now graduated and not allowed to leave home…what does a ballistic missile do when it isn’t launched?”
It sits and gathers dust, until finally, it is a dud.
~Oto
Just popping in to say, the Pearls are not Pelagians, at least not according to this article:
http://www.nogreaterjoy.org/articles/general-view/archive/2007/october/10/answering-the-critics/
I’m sorry, I can’t remember how to post links…so you’ll have to cut and paste!
Angela, I am familiar with the article you’ve linked to here. Michael Pearl does not know what Pelagianism is. He claims that he isn’t one, but the description that he gives, even though he’s quoting from an ancient source, is not a very good one. Study their teachings just a little, especially the sermons on Romans, and you will see that they are blatant Pelagians at worst, semi-pelagians at best (but I think that is actually being charitable).
I have so much trouble with the Pearl’s theology, parenting, marriage, and family advice that I cannot get too excited when they’re finally in agreement with me concerning something like homeschooling.
Spot on, Cally.
I find the Pearl article to be quite fascinating.
I also find the timing of the article to be remarkable as well.
Could it be that the Pearls are trying to distance themselves from patriarchy because the public relations tricks these patriarch groups use to promote themselves is wearing thin?
Could it be that the exposure of how toxic these patriarchy groups is becoming well known?
If so, that would be quite telling.
Oto,
I am so glad you won’t be sitting around becoming a “dud”.
Oto
Are you SURE your siblings don’t want to work for your dad? I’m sorry that you didn’t get to follow your dreams. But, that doesn’t mean you should project your circumstances onto your siblings. Maybe they are happy to work for your father – some kids are. Have you asked them?
I did totally agree with the Pearls article. It’s scary how many people are getting sucked into this.
Keep up the great work, Ladies!
~GPM
GPM said “Are you SURE your siblings don’t want to work for your dad? I’m sorry that you didn’t get to follow your dreams. But, that doesn’t mean you should project your circumstances onto your siblings. Maybe they are happy to work for your father – some kids are. Have you asked them?”
I’m sure they are completely willing to work for him, because they believe they are being helpful and obedient. My issue is the fact that some of my siblings are old enough to be married, and they STILL work for my father with NO PAY.
If my father actually gave them a wage, OR saved money for them to help them start their married lives later in life (like the Amish do for their children), then I would have no problem with it. I would actually encourage it.
I haven’t asked my siblings, but some of the comments they make sometimes makes me believe that they are growing more uncomfortable with their virtual slavery everyday. Especially my younger brother. He would like to get married someday, but he has no resources, no savings, no anything. How is he supposed to provide for a wife when he has NOTHING?
Thanks for your question, and I hope you understand a bit of where I am coming from. I know my words can be bitter sometimes, and I don’t want to come across as the angry, slighted daughter who hates her parents. I don’t hate them, I disagree with the way they are running their family.
I will tame my tongue in the future.
Oto
Oto, your tongue doesn’t need taming. Trust me: you’re one of the most mild people I’ve come across, and considering your past that’s a miracle.
[...] blog post on White Washed Feminists the other day about the Pearls and what they have to say about “Patriarchal Dysfunctional Families”. Wow. I didn’t know there was a movement to talk about these sorts of things. Now, in my family [...]
Hi – I am just now reading whitewashed feminist for the first time today, after a link from the true womanhood site. I apologize if someone has already posted this in the past, but regarding the question on the Pearl’s theology, Catez Stevens has examined their Romans series and has written her critique of them on her blog. It is called allthings2all and is on blogspot. I’ll try to find the direct link and post it.
Here is the link to Catez Steven’s blog and the article about the Pearl’s beliefs:
http://allthings2all.blogspot.com/2005/09/michael-and-debi-pearls-no-greater-joy_30.html
Whether one should throw out the baby with the bathwater in this case depends on one’s critical thinking skills – or tendency to be drawn into something hook, line, and sinker.
A dear friend of mine came to greatly admire the Pearl’s magazine and, after a few years, became almost a different person. I trolled around the NGJ website after she recommended it to me, and it was then that I understood the changes I was seeing. We used to have lively and deep theological discussions; now I either hear trite slogans as explanations or “my husband thinks . . . ” Real, thoughtful discussion is what went out with the bathwater. Really, really sad.
Related to this. . .
http://joelwnelson.blogspot.com/2009/04/few-months-ago-i-praised-michael-pearls.html
God does not make “cookie cutter Christians”, meaning each christian has to follow the individual path God has laid out for them….It is a personal relationship and we do not always follow closely, sometimes not at all. For some missionaries, they chose to leave behind their one or two children to let others raise them as they felt led by God into deepest darkest jungles to spread the Gospel.
In my case, with my husband suffering illness after illness in our 30 plus yrs of marriage, we felt no kids was best for our situation. I never wanted any anyway, so God had already made someone to be my husband’s life partner.
Joni Eareckson, a vibrant Christian, lives her life in a wheel chair after being crippled in a diving accident as a young woman. God gave her a husband who loves her deeply but they have no children.
Jesus never married nor had children as He was about HIs father’s business.
The problem is that sometimes we think that what God wants in our life is what He wants for every other christian, then we mistakenly try to put those ways of living on others as being the only way. Remember, there was only one Moses who led the Israelites out of Egypt, one Noah, one flood, only one David who slew Goliath, and one Mary who was visited by the Holy Spirit to become pregnant with Jesus.
I once helped a family much like the Duggars homeschool as they were on their way to having 12 kids. The wife said to me all she could ever think of as she was growing up was having babies. I told her all I could ever think of as I was growing up was having horses, which God has blessed me with 3.