My answer to the latest from Doug Phillips’ blog.
Real wives, enter here. Uber-militant-patriarchalists, beware. Anne Basso is writing this blog post, and her words are real, but difficult for the hyper-pats. Anne is part of the league of White Washed Feminist bloggers, and the following is just some plain old girlfriend advice.
12 Things We Should Do As Wives:
1. We should know that we and our husbands chose of our own free will to pursue a life with one another. You are not his child and should not be treated as such. I’ve found the best way to continue to receive that kind of respect from my husband is to give it. Just as I am not his child who needs her day mapped out for her and her tasks set, neither is he mine. We must strive to treat each other like the adults we both are.
2. Be respectful of where he is spiritually. In some homes wives are the more spiritual and/or the more knowledgeable of the two. That’s not something to be ashamed of or hide from him. Nor is it something to be prideful about. The best decisions in a home, spiritual or otherwise, are best made between husbands and wives as a team. With both parties input and acceptance, things go off so much better. I think I would be quite irked by a husband who acted like my spiritual better when we are both equal before Christ. Likewise, I will treat him with the same respect.
3. Be yourself. If you are naturally gregarious and your husband is quiet, you do NOT have to be silent simply because that’s his nature. Now, granted, we also shouldn’t be rude. Talking over someone or interrupting them is rude and it should go without saying that we should give our husbands the same respect we’d give anyone else. Being a talker in no way means that you’re speaking for the family. And remember, your husband married you. Whether you’re quiet or a talker, he loves you and doesn’t want you to be someone you are not.
4. Speak of him respectfully to others. I always try to imagine what I’d like my husband to say about me while he’s at work and I try to speak similarly about him. I’m blessed to have a fantastic husband and I like that people know that. When we have a personal issue it’s just that: personal.
5. Remember why you love him. I think it’s easy to get bogged down in the day to day of living and forget what drew us to our husbands in the first place. There are a thousand things I love about my husband and when I take the time to remember them, it softens me. And the more kindness, thoughtfulness, and respect I offer to him, the more of those things he offers to me in return. That allows our marriage to be one of mutual giving and sacrifice for one another.
6. Learn how to talk to your husband. If I ask my husband to do something and he agrees but doesn’t do it, I want to find a way to remind him without making him defensive. A “Hey, honey, thank you for helping get the kids to bed. I noticed that the trash wasn’t out, can I help you with that?” goes over so much better than a “Why didn’t you take the trash out? I told you I needed that done!”. I find that when I approach my husband the right way, it almost always avoids an argument and gets things done. I think part of that is also remembering that we’re on the same side, not opposite ones.
7. Remind your husband of why you love him. I think marriage grows through mutual nurturing. Kind of like a garden. He should always know why he’s special to you.
8. Approach is important for many things in marriage. And if there is a time that you must bring some behavior or issue to his attention, think in advance about how you want to approach it. Think about why he might be doing what he’s doing, or what his thought process is. Even if you disagree, knowing where he’s coming from will help when you want to discuss it. And I think one should always make it a discussion. Putting him on the defensive will not help at all.
9. Speak wisely. I really hate being told to hold my tongue. I have just as much right to my thoughts and opinions as a man does. That doesn’t mean that it’s always wise to say so. This goes hand and hand with approach. When we choose our words carefully, we have a much better chance of engaging in conversations that help our family, make it stronger, resolve a conflict, or find an answer than if we just say the first thing that pops in to our heads.
10. It’s totally okay to have things that are his and yours. I love certain movies, novels, tea, games, etc. which my husband has absolutely no interest in. And vice versa. I encourage him in his interests because they make him happy. He does likewise for me. There’s nothing wrong with that. Those things that enrich us at the very least give us something to talk about. I don’t have to pretend I’m interested in golf, nor does he have to pretend he’s interested in my latest novel. That said, we do need activities that we do together. I hear of couples who grow apart, and I’ve learned that growing together takes work and time. It’s worth it to invest the time and energy into growing together. But you don’t have to do that by being interested in all the same things he is. Like I said earlier, be yourself. He loves you.
11. The marriage comes first. One day my children will move out and I will live out my days with my husband. It is important that we nurture the marriage relationship because it is stability for ourselves, our children, and because it needs to last. My marriage is built on the rock of our faith, and our family is built on the foundation of our marriage. That must be tended to and cared for. My husband and I both make sacrifices in order to meet the needs of our children. But I try to be careful to make sure my husband understands that he is a priority and that his needs will also be met as he in turn does for me.
12. Remember that your character far outshines your exterior. Beauty is more than skin deep. Your husband cares more about how you treat your marriage and family than whether or not you’re wearing lipstick or that last baby has added a few pounds to your middle. Caring for one another as precious children of God creates a connection that goes beyond what you’re wearing, how you’ve fixed your hair, or if you’ve applied make-up.
Marriage is a beautiful relationship made up of mutual sacrifice, love, and care. It’s two imperfect people loving someone each other selflessly. While I have focused here on what we women should do, I think it’s all pretty applicable to husbands, too. We all falter. We all make mistakes. Marriage involves two sinners, after all. But it’s worth it. We make mistakes, and we forgive each other. Most importantly, I refuse to see marriage as a list of don’ts. I refuse to see it in negative terms at all. Marriage is a gift that God has given us so that we won’t be alone. We should cherish that gift being positive in thought and charitable in word and deed. And we should receive that in return.
This is a beautiful essay.
I don’t quite agree with number eleven; I think there are seasons in which our children are young and dependent and we, as parents, need to put aside our interests to take care of infants.
Thankfully, this is a short season in a child’s life, so, most of the time I even agree with number eleven.
I think one really significant thing you wrote is that we have *chosen* to unite as husband and wife. With God’s blessing and help, we have defined who we are. This may well look different in every marriage. Our personalities are so unique why should every married couple look like everyone else?
I have been married for 28 years and I find your words wise, indeed.
I agree with Debra about number eleven. With really young kids, this is something that we both have to understand is a season and some things will get pushed back a little bit but only for a little while. I think things get pushed back less when dad is more involved with the kids too (mom’s not as tired and stuff). Mom can’t meet everyone’s needs and still function especially when dad doesn’t do much need meeting.
I totally agree about the way you approach things. I try not to say anything about something when I’m angry about it. I wait until I’ve calmed down and can say something nicely and constructively instead. Doesn’t always help, but most of the time it means that your spouse is more likely to hear what you’re saying without getting defensive.
Cristi
Debra, I have to disagree with you about number 11. Both my husband and I make sacrifices to meet the needs of our children. And number 11 isn’t advocating anything different. It’s just acknowledging that the marriage must also be nurtured and tended to.
I don’t think we can put aside our needs when we have children. They may not be first on the hierarchy, but they can’t be put aside. I haven’t stopped having emotional and spiritual needs simply because I’m a mother. We don’t put being husband and wife on hold because we’re parents. Our needs may come after the needs of our children, but they still should be met. I think nurturing that relationship is good for the kids, too. Because a strong, healthy, happy marriage makes the family stronger.
But I totally agree with you that every marriage is different and I wonder if we shouldn’t be grateful for that rather than trying to follow a strict set of rules to make us like everyone else.
And thank you. To hear someone who has been married far longer than I say that I have some wisdom to share is high praise indeed.
I found Doug’s pitiful little introductory rant against “man-haters” more offensive and silly than the list. I swear: if a woman handed him an ax and then knelt before him and presented her neck for chopping, he’d declare ehr to the perfect example of womanhood.
Anne,
As far as the length of time I’ve been married and praise of your essay, I will glean wisdom and enjoy beauty regardless of comparitive age. Besides, I’m typically a slow learner
And likely number eleven is just nitpicking, I’m at a point in my life with my baby being nine and going into fourth grade, I get to go away with dh and go out on date nights without worrying about young children.’
In fact, we went on a skiing trip to British Columbia for our 25th anniversary sans kids (of course,) and we had a blast.
Thanks, Debra. At this point in our lives we still have 3 children under the age of 5. So, our sacrifice might be that we can’t go out for a date night, but we should still find time to have a date night at home. Something that allows us to nurture our relationship.
Anne, wonderful post!!
Just a lurker, egal and happy… thirty years into WB, wanting permission to copy this post and share it at work. I own two stores that are “woman oriented” and employ young women from all walks of life. Many have turned away from the faith of their childhood, embracing indifference over what one has described as the “intellectual, spiritual and physical “stunting” of womanhood.
Anne, if you are uncomfortable, of course I understand. But look at it this way…you’ve gotten the attention of an egal, and your words could be the foundation of dialogue.
Let me know.
The BH just suggested that I reiterate benign intent here…Anne’s words are important, and I am not looking for any discussion on egalitarianism.
I just think that with so many young women turning their backs on participation and growth in the Body….that when I have the chance to share words that are relevant…I should do so.
I have absolutely no desire for comp/egal debate here…I just want to take wise words to alienated young women.
Ahunt, you are more than welcome to reprint this for personal use.
I have to say that I have often heard “opposites attract”. If we are to be a helpmeet to our dh’s, then we shouldn’t be exactly the same as them, should we? To left feet don’t walk very well together. My dh and I respect each other, and he respects my opinion on things, and I respect his. No, we don’t have the same interests. He likes some sports, I like sewing and quilting. I like Scrabble. He prefers Monopoly. He is phlegmatic, I am more outgoing. Someone told me before we got married that our marriage would never last 6 months since we were so different. Well, thanks to the Lord, that was over 17 years, 7 going on 8 children ago. Nowhere in the Bible do I see the woman having to be a mindless doormat.
I love this post! I also agree that even though we might have young children, we still need to nurture our marriages. I believe that is what the essayist meant by #11, and far too often, the marriage itself really gets pushed out of the picture. It isn’t always easy to remember to put focus on the marriage during those busy “baby” years, so I am glad she gave us a reminder to do so.
I love this list! This is exactly how I try to treat my husband. I don’t want to do things for him because it’s my “role”, I want to serve him and love him because that’s the example that Jesus set for all of us.
Thanks for writing it, Anne.
Someone should write a “things we should do as parents” list, to combat the teachings of the Pearls. I think that would be interesting.
You know, Sarah, that’s a really good idea for a project for me. I’ll see what I can do. =)
Thanks so much for writing this. I love how you made something positive out of “…things wives should not do…” So often when I read Doug’s blog I feel like I’m being reprimanded as a woman and this was no exception. He writes like one who hates and that is what initially caused red flags to go up for me years ago before I even understood what patriarchy was.
I wonder if he’ll post the 12 things a husband should not do…?
I really enjoyed this post. I actually linked to it on my blog and did a post analyzing (IMO) the 12 “points”.
IMO, some good, some bad. But they should be applicable not only to the wife but to the husband as well.
[...] White Washed Feminists has an EXCELLENT response to this and I highly reccomend you read it. Yet, at the same time I figured I’d post my [...]
Great response!!! I read that little juicy bit on Doug’s blog the other day, and it just about made me puke. Are women really supposed to reduce themselves to grovelling, brainless servants? I don’t think that’s what a good husband really wants.
Great list, Anne. I will have to print that one out for me.
As for the original post on D Phillips’ blog, all I can say is misery seeks company. Patrio women sound incredibly bitter and like they are seeking to get as many women as possible to share that misery with them. Sad.