I’ve been thinking about this for a while, trying to sort it all out in my head. Over the last five years, I’ve had some very negative interactions with people over the internet. Many of them Christians. This is one thing that has led to a crisis within me. It’s not the whole story, nor is anyone to blame. But it is one piece of a number of factors. Again, I’m still sorting it all out.
I think in the early days, these interactions bothered me, because I wanted people to see my faith. I wanted to wear it like a garment and know that when people looked at me, they could see the Holy Spirit. Of course I failed miserably. We humans (myself included) are terrible judges, and if I’m living my faith for others to see, I’m missing the point entirely. But I thought if I were just Christian enough, then everyone would see my heart. Logically I know, it just doesn’t work that way, but at the time it seemed right.
I have called where I am now a “Crisis of Faith”, but it’s really more like a crisis of religion. No, I’m not ditching Christianity for Buddhism, though I think there is much wisdom in Buddhist philosophy. I find wisdom in the Koran as well, but I’m not a Muslim either. I’m in no hurry to ditch my Christian faith, I’m just not finding myself at home in any organized form of it. I can never be Christian enough for everyone. Seriously, one person I interacted with online argued with me even when I agreed with her! So, I have to change my focus on being Christian enough for God. And, to be honest, I think He’s much more concerned about how I live out my faith in my treatment of others, than which pastor’s podcast I listen to, where my hem falls, if I cover my head, or whether my church is Reformed or Orthodox.
I think God is so much bigger than we often give Him credit for being. It is we who are made in His image, and yet, we so often conform Him to ours, including our human pettiness. And I weary of pettiness (though I’m not above it, nor do I pretend to be). I’m not sure where all of this leaves me at the moment. I do hope to find a church home, in time. But right now, I feel like I need a break from Patriarchy, head covering, and all the arguments that divide us as believers. I need some time to sit with the core faith: Loving God and our neighbors as ourselves. I don’t believe I’ll lose my faith. I have a God who has always been faithful to hold on to me at times when I have been unable to be strong enough to hold on to Him. But I do fear losing my religion.
“I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.”
~Mahatma Ghandi
Beautifully said. And honest. I will continue to pray for you, Sister. If you are Christ’s, He will not let you go, nor will He cast you out. I hope you can rest in that while you are in the midst of your struggle.
I am with you, sister. You are amazing and I appreciate your honesty.
You have give words to exactly what I am thinking and going through.
Anne, thanks for sharing about your journey, and your honesty.
Sometimes we can get so bogged down on the details of what men/women think are important that we lose sight of who God is all together.
I think ultimately, we are to be God-seekers. And we are not to be content with who people say God is. We are not to take a human being’s word for it. We are to see God for ourselves.
The further we go down this road of life, the more this becomes true.
Here are some videos, snippits that I like that help me remember how big God is.
These are gifts that I hope bless you. They aren’t advice. They aren’t scoldings to set you straight because I don’t think you need to be set straight. They are just reminders of what you already know and what we can forget when we get caught up in endless arguments about nothing.
I’ll start with this one then go to on the next ones in other comments.
Number 2
And last but not least…
(Sorry to make so many comments in a row, but sometimes WordPress puts comments with too many links directly into spam. And I’m feeling you sister, about Crisis. I’m not satisfied with my faith right now. But I understand it’s because I’m coming up on a growth spurt or some uncomfortable change that will ultimatly bless my socks off. In the mean time I want to focus on God. Was wondering if you wanted to join me.)
Sorry.
Me again. Forgot that my last link promoted some church. I should have put in a disclaimer that I have no idea who/what/where the ‘secret church’ is, nor do I care. I’m not into promoting churches. I was only trying to promote and encourage seeking God and remembering that THAT is what our faith is (should be) about. It’s about finding God. It’s not about a particular church, organized religion, or the opinions of men.
Signing off.
It is soooo far past time for someone else to say something now.
Anne,
Praying that the simplicity of the Gospel and loving God and others will refresh you.
Bathe in the writings of the New Testament, those given to the Body of Christ to nourish, grow, and mature her.
Our church culture has gotten away from the simplicity of Christ and sought to guard pet doctrines above guarding the Gospel of Jesus Christ and walking out loving God and loving others.
Guard your heart, and immerse yourself in Jesus.
Blessings,
Wendy at JGIG
I was reading on an old blog of mine for my preemie son and saw a comment from you, I ended up on this blog.
What a powerfully true post. And sobering! How many people have shipwrecked faith (or contributed to the capsizing of someone else’s!) because of rules, regulations and lack of simplicity. It happens so easily.
“But I fear, lest by any means, as the serpent beguiled Eve through his subtilty, so your minds should be corrupted from the simplicity that is in Christ”. -2 Corinthians 11:3
Beautiful simplicity with a loving Saviour. <3 It's the jist of it all!
Anne, I understand your dilemma. I’ve become a Unitarian Universalist because I’m not comfortable with most Christian institutions. I’m more Christian than, say, Hindu or Pagan, and I find I can give expression to my Christianity within the UU church because nobody is excluded. It’s a very accepting place.
Don’t let the critics and the persecutory minds chase you out of Christianity. Forsake not the assembly of believers, even if you just wind up forming a house church of like-minded believers. Take up your cross and be willing to suffer for Jesus; let no naysayer rob you of your crown, for eternity is a long time…let no false “brother” chase you from being a part of the Bride of Christ.
First time reading your blog. Do not be discouraged! Do not put your hope, faith, or trust in man – don’t be discouraged by what others say. Continue to put you faith in Jesus Christ alone! God is the the only one who knows your heart, but I can tell you what I read was encouraging to me. Thankyou.
Scott
Anne, your honesty is beautiful. I have been on this same journey for a while. My faith in Jesus has deepened as my faith in religion has failed. A verse that speaks to this is:
“So to whom will you compare me, the Incomparable?
Can you picture me without reducing me?” ~ Isaiah 46:5 (Message)
He is so much more than we can see….or understand. And those who try to claim they have all the answers on who God is or what He is like are either lying or deceived. Losing faith in religion is not a bad thing…except for the religion.