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Archive for October, 2010

Crisis Of Faith?

I’ve been thinking about this for a while, trying to sort it all out in my head.  Over the last five years, I’ve had some very negative interactions with people over the internet.  Many of them Christians.   This is one thing that has led to a crisis within me.  It’s not the whole story, nor is anyone to blame.  But it is one piece of a number of factors.  Again, I’m still sorting it all out.

I think in the early days, these interactions bothered me, because I wanted people to see my faith.  I wanted to wear it like a garment and know that when people looked at me, they could see the Holy Spirit.  Of course I failed miserably.  We humans (myself included) are terrible judges, and if I’m living my faith for others to see, I’m missing the point entirely.  But I thought if I were just Christian enough, then everyone would see my heart.  Logically I know, it just doesn’t work that way, but at the time it seemed right.

I have called where I am now a “Crisis of Faith”, but it’s really more like a crisis of religion.  No, I’m not ditching Christianity for Buddhism, though I think there is much wisdom in Buddhist philosophy.  I find wisdom in the Koran as well, but I’m not a Muslim either.  I’m in no hurry to ditch my Christian faith, I’m just not finding myself at home in any organized form of it.  I can never be Christian enough for everyone.  Seriously, one person I interacted with online argued with me even when I agreed with her!  So, I have to change my focus on being Christian enough for God.  And, to be honest, I think He’s much more concerned about how I live out my faith in my treatment of others, than which pastor’s podcast I listen to, where my hem falls, if I cover my head, or whether my church is Reformed or Orthodox.

I think God is so much bigger than we often give Him credit for being.  It is we who are made in His image, and yet, we so often conform Him to ours, including our human pettiness.  And I weary of pettiness (though I’m not above it, nor do I pretend to be).  I’m not sure where all of this leaves me at the moment.  I do hope to find a church home, in time.  But right now, I feel like I need a break from Patriarchy, head covering, and all the arguments that divide us as believers.  I need some time to sit with the core faith: Loving God and our neighbors as ourselves.  I don’t believe I’ll lose my faith.  I have a God who has always been faithful to hold on to me at times when I have been unable to be strong enough to hold on to Him.  But I do fear losing my religion.

“I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.”
~Mahatma Ghandi

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